Saturday, 10 September 2011

The language of Football

I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I found myself amidst the presence of another language. Now this wasn't a kind of exotic, vibrant and intriguing language  that aroused interest and awe but rather a dull, drone that did nothing but baffle me. The language of football.
Wow. Never, in my 16 years of living, have I experienced such a draining 20 minutes filled with my brothers and father going on about players, transfers, leagues and a number of other dull words. I mean I've heard my guy mates talk about it in small doses, but this...this was something else.
As the foreign fumble of words darted back and forth across the table, I felt lost- stranded in a sister-less household.
And the worst bit? The jabber was so intense and peculiar I couldn’t find an entrance in to the conversation. So I sat there and enjoyed flattening my mash potato with a spoon.How  can a conversation go on for so blimming long on what is essentially a bunch of overpaid sissies trying to kick a ball into a net? I mean don't mistake me for one of these footy-despising females because I actually quite like playing it and watching it can sometimes be enjoyable( only, of course, if there are men on the pitch who aesthetically please and there's another girl in the room to discuss this with)

Yesterday, however, I learnt an invaluable lesson. That’s right- listening to the unfamiliar, incessant drone between the males across the dinner table taught me that  I can actually appear clued up on the whole football scene. You see, I noticed that lots of the same phrases popped up in the noise that vacated their mouths. So, by repeating these(and forcing a face of genuine interest), I have myself a brilliant way to engage with the male species.
Ladies, if you're interested in this discovery, here's a few phrases to get you started:
 ‘‘That ref was a JOKE'' ''it was end to end''  ''He's only in it for the money ''There was NO WAY that was a penalty'' ''what was he doing upfront?'' “He’s bloody clueless” ''Should have taken him off second half'' ''We need to rest him before next match'' ''what a touch'' “he hasn’t got a football brain’’ ‘’He’s a  liability- picks up too many yellows” “The defence was a complete shambles-all over the place” '' ''What was the REF THINKING?''

So, there it is- my attempt at scraping the surface of the footy lingo. Now it’s time to conquer cars.
Talking of cars...Gor, how’s about that new Porsche Cayenne diesel? 3.0-litre V6 turbo diesel under the hood but pepped up with a new turbocharger, revised injectors and improved internal friction for slightly more power at 249bhp –she’s one beautiful beast.
See, a little listening here and there and I’m practically a man.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Half the bite,Half the guilt.

I write with news of a new 'dieting' craze that has taken my household by storm.
Ever wanted to eat your favourite sweet treats but with half the guilt ? Well my family has, in the greedy throws of raiding the kitchen cupboards, found a solution.
Take a half bite.

To be honest, there's not much to expand on that because it really is exactly how it sounds...
 a  half bite.

It works nice and simply too:
When craving something yummy, don't torture yourself by not having it. Instead, give in to temptation and have it. Just... half of it.
Forget all that 'opt for some fruit' rubbish, because I think we all know that just doesn't work. That simply results in you sitting unhappily, scouring at an  irritatingly healthy apple,wishing it tasted even vaguely like the choc you wanted. But,no matter how wildly juicy and succulent that little apple may be, it will never come close to the choc.

The half bite, however, allows you to tuck in to whatever you want. And do you know what else? It allows you to kid yourself, with far more credibility, that you didn't eat that much.

* So you can enjoy the soft, chewy cookie that crumbles on your palette..and smile knowing you didn't demolish  a whole one.

* You can crunch away contentedly into that fresh bag of crinkly,greasy crisps and beam proudly knowing you were a whole half a bag off finishing them.

* Go ahead and sink into that slice of fresh cream cake and then laugh at the missing half  of the regret.

It's simple:            
   Half the treat- Half the guilt.

Admittedly though, there are drawbacks. To put down the second half of your treat is somewhat excruciating. With the taste of the first half already sweetly stroking your taste buds- the urge to allow the second half to join in is overwhelming. Then again, we could pop this on a positive spin and say it teaches a little self restraint?

Another problem is that too often do I go to offer a mate a pack of biscuits from the kitchen or go to grab the pack of pancakes ...and to my dismay, I'm greeted with lots of half eaten specimens. It's pretty embarrassing; like the kitchen's been raided by raccoons or something...

But hey ho,everything has got its drawbacks. And to be totally honest, I think if you're following a 'cut back on the crap' regime that allows your favourite foods to  go into your mouth- it's a win win.

 Right, now to tuck into this vanilla cheesecake. Well, half of it. ;)