Saturday, 23 April 2011


The time has come.
I can smell it  in the air,taste it on my palate, hear it in the depths of my soul.
It's time for the...

Right, I'll briefly set the scene...

Every year, without fail, my family and I give up chocolate for lent.
 Perhaps that sounds normal/ uninspiring/ simple to you? If so, you need to shut down this page and leave.
Anyone pathetic enough to doubt the overwhelming grasp chocolate has on life , anyone who doesn't appreciate the chocolaty embrace that cuddles and soothes us in today's hectic world, anyone who feels the absence of the compassionate  confectionery wouldn't be detrimental to humanity- needs to go far,far away   and get themselves sorted.

Chocolate is magical.
Chocolate is healing.
Chocolate is a reason to live.

Maybe you've had an awful break up , you're stressed, hurting and shaken-
 Who dotingly heals and soothes the pain?

Perhaps you're at a dull meeting, it's unproductive,awkward and stuffy-
-Who coats biscuits, travels into your body and sparks ideas into life, stirs creativity and induces smiles ?
What about an important race that you don't think you can withstand/stomach-
 -Who boosts your moral,charges you with energy and  spurs you on to surge to that victory?

Yeah that's right- we're all forgetting just how helpful our CHOC chum is. I think we all need to have a little think about  our neglectful behaviour. We need to start showing our appreciation.
So next time you tear open a soft and crumbling choc bar, or pop open a tub of creamy, rich choc ice cream or settle down to a scrumptious hot chocolaty dessert- I urge you say thank you. No don't you snort or laugh at the absurdity- I'm being deadly serious.
I urge you to lean down and whisper tenderly  to your sweet treat ''Thank-you''. And say it with meaning.

The road has been long...

So, to return after my chocolate tangent there- Lent has been tough this year. Yes it's a season of sacrifice, reconciliation and key for spiritual nourishment- but there's no denying life without choc is excruciating. Worst of all, is that you realize of it there is cuddling our daily life. It's inescapable...

. You realize just how many people have chocolate for lunch with the constant offering from mates in the canteen/classrooms.
.. Sensuous and mouthwatering telly adverts for ice creams/chocolate bars are nestled between all the shows.
.. Beautiful celebrities take attractive bites of choc treats as they glow and pose before you.
. .Supermarkets boast reductions on sweet treats...sharing excessive close ups on all the shiny,luxurious packaging.
.. Billboards line up along my bus route to and from school, teasing me with the newest dazzling  and delicious treats on the market.
.Even the litter on the road  decides to kick and harass me. Chocolate wrappers smother the pavements to remind me what I'm missing at every step, empty packets dancing deviously in the breeze across my eye line- tempting me, snickering at me.
.Most of the desserts on  restaurant menus have me jaw agape with luxurious ,lavish descriptions of all things chocolaty... then slap me in the face by offering a 'fruit salad platter' right at the end. Mmm, nothing says splendour and indulgence like some cold fruit chunks.

But all is rewarded...

However, despite this incessant abuse and painfully isolated period of time- it all becomes worthwhile.
Because nothing, absolutely nothing, comes close to the REUNION.
Every Easter Saturday  we head out to the supermarket and spend ridiculous amounts on pure, unadulterated chocolate.
The cashiers face is priceless. 
Then we lay all our goodies on the table and  as the clock strikes midnight-
 the feast begins.
 Again we curl up in that chocolaty caress we have missed so very much.

Now as that clock hits 12, something within my soul erupts. My fingers tingle as I unravel the smooth jewel from the first wrapper tenderly. My heart pounds vigorously.My taste buds throb impatiently. Then as I slip it between my straining lips and onto my waiting tongue-IT BEGINS.
 Explosive yet gentle, loud yet serene - my body sparks to life, embracing the friend it has so dearly missed. The flavours familiarize and the swirling blend of creamy joy butters my spirits and passionately kisses my soul.

This moment alone , is a reason for living.

So, my reason for this post?
Well today  will see us embark on the 2011 CHOC HAUL. I don't know how much we'll get, or where we'll get it from but I do know one thing for sure...

It's going to be delicious.

 (Left: CHOC HAUL 2009)

(Below: CHOC HAUL 2010


Sunday, 3 April 2011

Housephone Harressment

I'm a victim of bullying.
Wow, I've admitted it; about time too.
 It's been long overdue.
I'm a trembling, taunted mess who faces aggression on  a daily basis.
Oh but the perpetrator doesn't leave physical evidence... they're much more sly and calculating than that. Prying on me when weak,  a devious  shadow that's always watching me.
Enough is enough... it's time to name and shame...reveal my torturer...
Please, somebody spare me from...


No no no, don't you laugh or turn away thinking this is some petty rant.
 I can't walk past my house phone without physically wincing.

Being at home is about relaxing. It's about unwinding ...leaving work and distractions outside.
But then this peace is obliterated. 

There I am, having some 'me time' ,settling in to some din dins in front of the telly and then BAM.
 It's all ruined.
 I'm dragged out of my serenity by the high pitched screeeeech of the bully...


The screeching goes on and on , screaming into my ears until nothing can be thought about except picking up the phone. So I succumb- and get up to obey  the bully.

Oh, but as I pick it up off the decides NOW is the time to be silent. It decides it's way more fun to watch me squirm and sigh when I just miss the last ring. Brilliant.

But the bully's just getting started.

It waits silently until I'm all the way back to my seat, comfortable and content.
It waits; like a ravenous lion fixated on it's prey.
It waits until that perfect moment,where I've reached complete and utter relaxation. Then, only then, it POUNCES with it's infuriating shriek...


Again I'm forced out of my comfort zone -  but this time I'm desperate .
 I run to the phone,in an attempt to reach it in time. But no, oh no, that would be too easy.
Again it cuts off as I get there.  It's silently sniggering at me ... taunting me with it's malicious games.

Then there's the fun it has when you're mid conversation. It listens in,cunningly waiting until the most crucial moment in the chatter...and then, well then it just cuts offDead. Just like that.

This, is annoying enough, but to push us that little bit further, dig just that little bit deeper, the daemonic device doesn't let us know it's cut off.
Too many times have I waffled on with a story,describing the ins and outs,the intricate details, pouring out an emotional essay -to find that there is no one listening at the other end.

I'm sick to death of this abuse.
I hate feeling threatened in my own home.
I want protection from this electronic evil which terrorizes me with it's tricks.
Please, somebody, help me escape this
house-phone harassment.