Sunday, 31 October 2010

Bullied by my Biscuits

I'm sick of being tormented by the food in my kitchen, or more specifically by their expiry dates. It's a form of bullying. They say they'll go off  ages away, as if i'm not going to scoff the product much faster than that! Is it to reassure us so we don't feel the need to rush all our food? No, i'm going to be a pessamist on this one, it's just plain teasing. It's saying 'you're bloody greedy, normal people don't eat this fast'
 As if my bar of dairy milk is going to last me until march next year. Or my Frosties will last until next September or those delicious cupcakes will make it to December! Truth is, nothing lasts longer than about 3 days in my house. Three teenagers, what can you do?!

Sunday, 24 October 2010

The last minute rejects.

Did you know paying for your items at a supermarket till can actually be rather intriguing? I made this discovery this morning, after a mundane shop for essentials at Tescos. 'So what's so brilliant about it?' ,you may be thinking. Well , It's not the bleak, drained face of the cashier as she stares straight ahead with those empty, soul polluted eyes. It's also not the constant, shrill beep of the machine as your items pass through, excruciatingly slowly. Handing over the cash,or any cash for that matter, is never a pleasant experience and  trying to peel open the flimsy plastic carrier bags is always a messy frustration- so what is so great? Simple as, it's 'The last minute rejects'.
                                   You may be confused as to what on earth they are, but believe me, you've seen them-we've all seen them. I'm talking about those items that customers before you have panicked about and decided to drop as they approach the till. They have mounted up in stacks, varying objects that just didn't quite make it out of the shop. Before you know it you're thoroughly entertained, imagining up all kinds of scenarios for the rejected items. Perhaps it's a toy that a child has slyly popped in the trolley and the mother notices just in time-surely a tantrum would've followed? Or how about that mouthwatering, creamy chocolate bar? Perhaps a woman was feeling guilty about it and, at the last minute, panicked about fitting into her new autumn dress and flung it on to the side of the counter. Or that pricey power drill? Must have been a woman scolding her husband and removing it from their basket- becuase he never uses his current power drill, let alone does any DIY work,ever.
                                  Honestly, it's a brilliant game to play and it passes the time. So, next time you're at the checkout, have a look for those reject items...

Sunday, 10 October 2010

The walk of shame.

Ever wondered what it's like to walk death row? Feel that plunge of darkness shroud you, that unbearable rip at your insides? Sense the furious eyes burn through you, the weight of the world crush you, as you drag each trembling leg forward,step by step, wading in the bitter shame and embarrassment that clings to your shriveling body? The feelings and emotions that one must go through, seems almost unfathomable. However, those fascinated by the concept will be thrilled to hear that you can experience such a walk yourself, whenever you want to, simply by traveling on the bus.

We've all walked the 'walk of shame', and those who haven't should consider themselves lucky.Those dreaded steps from boarding a bus to finding your seat cannot be avoided, but only endured. I took those steps today and I can still feel the sting. So, as I beep my oyster card and head down the bus for a seat, I can sense the wave of judgment that hits me.A wall of emotionless faces,headphones plugged into their ears, yet with those intense glares fixed upon me- scalding and sly. They consider my every movement and my every garment,they don't miss a thing. It's like showing fresh meat to a pride of ravenous lions. This walk, from boarding to sitting, must be done as quickly as possible. This walk must be done smoothly and without offense.But remember, above all else,this walk must never be done with eye contact. Never make eye contact with the lions.

The most ridiculous thing is, as soon as you find your seat ,  the crimson in your cheeks fades away and that soft rush of relief floods over you, you're part of the pride.You've become a lion, awaiting new meat to devour with your judgment.So as the bus stops and the new passengers climb in , it's now your turn to glare intensely at them and inspect your prey.

So you may think this all a bit loony,just me rambling off on an absurd tangent (which is very true), but in a way, I may have helped you. If you're someone who travels by bus and is sick to death of the mundane atmosphere that encases you,next time you're there- you just think of my 'pride' concept. Believe me, it'll make the journey just that little bit more interesting and you may even manage a half smile. I like to think I do my bit to help in the world...

Saturday, 2 October 2010

The sting of a mistaken wave

Too many times have i felt the excruciating sting of a mistaken wave. Perhaps I'm waiting for a train, shopping or just casually ambling down the street- no matter where-  it. will .find. me. Today it found me,and it was  particularly painful.

I was waiting at the bus stop and sure enough , up ahead, I saw someone vigorously waving at me, well at least I thought it was me. I was filled with intrigue at the broad grin on her face and the enticing nature of her glistening eyes. She was making me feel so...loved. I had absolutely no idea who she was, but certain her eyes were locked on mine, I convinced myself she looked familiar, and yes, I began to wave back. And oh boy was I vigorous.

Thing is, what if i DID know her? It'd be more embarrassing for her if i didn't wave back, right? So really, in a way, I was doing the honourable thing and sacrificing myself for this waving stranger.Almost medal worthy I reckon.

Anyhow, back to the tale, I was now vigorously waving at the woman,waiting to see some sort of acknowledgment on her face. About 20 seconds passed,nothing. My arm was beginning to hurt. Perhaps I should walk over to her? Yes, that's probably what she is waiting for. As I rose from the bus stop seat, and when I say seat, I mean that uncomfortable piece of slanted plastic (seriously, what's that about?! It's more of a perch)  I was suddenly shoved from behind. As I looked up, I saw the 'shover' moving towards the 'waver' for an embrace. Oh.
I slowly retreated my waving hand and tried to form it into a stroke of my hair. I turned around and yes, everyone at the stop had been watching my foolishness. I  felt a gush of heat flood my cheeks. I  lowered my head, quickly pushed my headphones into my ears (they weren't attached to anything) and stared intently at my phone as if  I'd received some enthralling text message. Soon I felt the mocking glares begin to fade and I sensed I was no longer the source of interest at the bus stop. I sighed, silently and contentedly.

So, when in doubt(or rather embarrassment in my case), just smother yourself in technology to achieve that 'up to date' and current look, it'll always throw people off the scent.It's true though isn't it?! If you see someone on a new gadget or typing away on the latest technological 'must have', you assume they know what they are doing! I reckon it's all a ploy, a deterrent from the truth that no one really knows what they are doing and it's all just a facade to shield from embarrassment.  So, next time you spot someone with an iPhone, a Mac-book Pro or an iPad, don't let it fool you, they probably haven't even worked out how to turn it on...