Who's ready to freefall?

So we've come to the end. This is it. The top of the mountain.

Take in the view then close your eyes and feel the wind on your face, soak up the atmosphere-we only get to be here once a year. Now look down on the path you've climbed up,remember the good bits ,the arduous bits and the memorable bits. Smile at the feat you've conquered.


Then come those nail biting  ten seconds in the countdown . It's time to leave the view, the quiet summit and snap back to reality. It's time to jump.
A sixth of a minute spent free falling through what life threw you in 2010. A sixth of a minute- unbelievable how fast the mind works under pressure...

TEN....Suddenly,your head becomes filled with swirling emotions, a mad blend of confusion. Your minds in a mad panicked rush to consider all you've done in the year, all the people you've met and hold on to it all. ...EIGHT... What's to come in the future? What new faces? places? ... SEVEN... What fights can I resolve, what slates can I wipe clean? A fresh start perhaps now? ....FIVE... this means the end of Christmas doesn't it? The end of holidays and boredom eating..Time for cold weather (without the optimism of Christmas to pull you through), work and in creeps the acrid stench of  starting a year all over again... THREE... Should I be kissing someone on zero? Quick, quick, scan for someone, anyone! ...TWO...time is running out... ONE... Oh lord, here we go, It's coming , It's time...                                                                HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! 

And then there we are again, back at the bottom of the ladder, at the foot of the hill,at the  base of the mountain.

Well there's no point just standing there looking up! Get your shoelaces tightened, stretch your legs and take a deep breath.  It's time to start the climb again....

Jingle Bells, awkward smiles, fake laughing all the way... (Sing it aloud for optimum giggles)

CHRISTMAS. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you see that word? As the festive syllables bounce off the page and trickle into your mind, what visual imagery is conjured? 

Presents? A tree? A luxurious roasted feast with all things scrumptious?

Well OK, these may be quite relevant- but I know something better. Something that arrives every year without fail. Something that rumbles at the heart of mankind, stirring emotions of hilarity, embarrassment, tension and sadness all wrapped in one. Oh yes, I'm talking about the facial facade of the unwanted present opening.

I'm talking about those indescribable looks on peoples faces as they unwrap an unwanted  present. It really is hard to put into words and this blog can't do it justice. The eyes, the nose the flinching and the voice pitch that arises after opening an undesired gift. It's priceless.

Watching people attempt a joyous expression, force a warm smile and fumble out some drivel about it being what they've really wanted all along. The best is the fake jaw drop, a feeble (but hilarious) attempt at the 'shocked with amazement'  look.

Nothing beats watching the inexperienced. Their pathetic attempts (with obvious disappointment glazed all over their faces) always ends in blushing and incomprehensible sentences about gratitude. Everyone knows they don't like what they've opened. It's hilarious, to watch.

Then there are some who are experts at it. They've had enough experience to have learnt how to handle the situation with care. I am one of these people.So, to spare feelings and diffuse an awkward situation follow my festive facade steps this Christmas...

 Upon opening:

1. Widen your eyes immediately.( This gives a shocked affect, and the strain of widening makes your eyes water, thus they glaze over into a seemingly awestruck and joyous look)

2. Quickly pick out an aspect of the present and say why you like it.  (If you panic and time is racing-go for colour. It's the easiest)

3. Rotate the present and look at it from all angles, while softly commenting on how it will really go with something you already own. ( The rotation distracts them, thus they are not fully focused on the words leaving your mouth.Your soft talking in the background offers reassurance and lulls them into believing your gratitude.)

4. Make sure your talking tone is light and upbeat and talking/comment MUST commence as soon as the  present is opened.   (Any delay hints at disappointment/ bewilderment. And we really don't want that. Or you'll be sussed.)

5. Lastly, the key step. If all else fails or you've messed up the previous steps- go for THE HUG. (This switches the verbal struggle to a physical act of warmth and compassion. They may even take the hug as you not being able to 'put your gratitude into words')

SO, there's my Christmas gift to all you inexperienced out there. Give the steps a pop this year and see how you fare. Just remember...

''Jingle Bells, awkward smiles,

 Fake laughing all the way...

 Oh what fun, it is to watch,

 What present-openers blush and say. Hey!"

Sunday Bliss...

Today I've had an epiphany. I've at last, after 16 years of living, learnt to appreciate the truly ineffable beauty of a Sunday.

Before it would just be 'the day before school'  or 'the day left to do all the work on' , but today I've managed to lift the childish cover of these naive ideas, walk through the fog of misunderstanding and finally see the crystal clear,serene brilliance that is the 7th day of the week.

Anyone not yet at this stage, I urge you to pay attention when you open your eyes next Sunday. It's magical...

...Staying wrapped up and nestled in the comfort of your covers, while the delicate sunlight streams in through the window and dances across your pillow.

The gentle silence of the car-less roads and mellow humming of the Sunday birds.

Then there's that gorgeous smell of Mum's roast, wafting through the house. Hot gravy, crispy potatoes,succulent chicken breast, toasty Yorkshire puddings...their tantalising aroma trickling gently into your sun kissed room. The flavours dance under your nostrils, lulling your senses, caressing your body and soothing your soul.

It's a day to get things done, a helping hand with the workload. It's a day to relax, unwind and regenerate. It's a day that's essential to our society and the very core of our humanity. This day is Sunday, and we must NEVER take it for granted.

Sprinkle snow? Sod off.

I didn't believe the weatherman.

I thought he was lying.

 As I sat there swamped in coursework, tomorrows exams heavy on my mind, textbooks surrounding me on the floor- I was barely listening to him on the TV. He was a dull drone lingering  in the room,talking away to himself. My eyes were bloodshot stinging with sleep cravings, my arms limp and lifeless and my head was stressing and sore. But then I heard it.  Those delightful, heart warming words that caressed my fatigued soul. Like a cosy embrace, a surprise party,  a passionate kiss.

 He shook me into life with his chocolaty words:
 ''Prepare for snow".
I could have kissed the TV.  And I did.

So the revision was aborted, the textbooks slept scattered on the floor and I enjoyed an evening of elation. The weatherman had saved me. I climbed into bed and slept sweetly in the night's soothing, snowy embrace.

Morning came.  I opened my eyes and frowned at the frostiness of  my Wednesday morning room and the exams and deadlines that were to follow me that day.  But then it hit me. The memory flooded in, warmed me up and I began to grin.

There wasn't going to be any deadlines/exams, I knew what lay behind my window blinds this morning. Snow!

Those heavy white showers that would come dancing down, coating our clothes.
 Serene white blankets would be smothering the  roads, hushing them into a silent sleep .

 Cars sleeping under luxurious, white sheets.

 Delicate flakes settling on our eyelashes.

Giggling children prancing in woolly hats,puffy coats and chunky mittens.

Snowball fights and sledding down glistening hills, fresh laughter and pure faces.

 I could just feel it. The crisp air was whispering  it in my ear. Our  'get me out of work free card' had finally arrived! 

But NO. It had not.

I pulled back the blinds and wailed in agony.

-Serene blankets? NO, my hideous grassy lawn was still very much visible, with a sickeningly slight sprinkle of white on top.

-White rooftops and trees? NO, the roofs had a mere pinch of white on them and the tree leaves bragged some sloppy, melting sludge.

-Showers of snow cascading down? NO, but instead a light ,watery drizzle-dampening the ground, and my spirits.

-Sleeping, empty roads? NO, the gritters had been out and cars crawled on down the grey street, their growling engines laughing viciously.

-Giggling children? NO.

-Snowball fights? NO. NO.

-Sledding? NO. NO. NO.

This was the kind of snow that just caused accidents and delays. No fun, no freedom ,no Christmas spirit-just problems. This wasn't real snow.

I felt sick . My insides churned with disappointment, my shivering body over flooded with melancholy, and yes I'll admit it, my eyes began to well up.

 So there I was shaking in the bitter cold, goosebumps and misery gripping my body, tears streaming down my icy, throbbing cheeks,tickling the corners of my mouth.

Suddenly , I felt sharp corners of paper digging into my frosty feet which triggered me to look down. It was my scattered coursework and revision notes. They lay there, unfinished.  Uh oh.

How to spice up a tube journey

Doors opening. Feet shuffling. Seat grabbing. Bags brushing. Headphones in. World out. Newspapers up. Doors closing.

Tube journeys are always going to be a mad uncomfortable rush. Hundreds of stressed commuters overloaded with bags cramming into an ill lit metal cylinder that crawls along a darkened track ,isn't going to be a journey of enjoyment. We bare through it, and if we're lucky, we get to do so, SEATED.

The only problem that I've found with seating, is the overwhelming desire to study the passengers sitting opposite you. It's that  unrelentless urge to examine their clothing, facial features, mannerisms and just soak up the essence of them...but you can't. The risk of them catching you looking is just too high. Thing is, if they do, you have to force a embarrassed smile then naturally, in gushes the strawberry cheeks and the rest of the journey must be spent looking at anything at all but at them. So can you not look at them at all?! No,fear not- there's a solution. Shoes.

Look down and you'll see them, a beautifully long  line of colours, shapes and  sizes all for you to examine. You can imagine up scenarios for each type, conjure up an image of the wearer and his lifestyle-all from just the shoes. It's a beautiful game.



Then again, perhaps you're not lucky enough to get a seat?  You're traveling in the rush hour and have ended up a tinned sardine, captured in hot and agitated huddle with passengers from all walks of life. You're so close you can feel their shuffling feet trampling on your toes , hear their hearts thudding, feel their hot breath settling on your skin. But it's OK. In this uncomfortable, baked beans scenario, a game can be played. Just follow the steps:
1. Source a near passenger with headphones in (it's probably harder to find one without them in to be honest...)
2. Lean in and listen closer to the song they're listening to, but make sure you're discreet.
3. Make sure you know the song, if so BINGO.
4. Now, making sure they can see you, begin mouthing the lyrics of the song they're listening to (if possible in sync)
5. Watch their facial expression


They either assume by some massive coincidence you're listening to the same song at exactly the same time on your respective i-pods or ,if you're without headphones yourself, that you just happened to have that song in your head. Either way, the look on their face is utterly priceless. In fact, that expression change from 'sick to death of this stinking monotonous journey' to 'OH DEAR LORD, WE'RE LISTENING TO THE SAME SONG AT EXACTLY THE SAME DARN TIME'  is reason alone to get  the tube.

 So, there's just a couple of tips to help ease  tube journeys. Maybe you'll find them useless, maybe life altering, who knows? But hey, all I can say is try spicing up your tube journey and give it a go...

Willy Nilly Walkers.

Right foot.........................left foot...............................right foot...........................slowly turn head and gaze in shop window.........................left foot.....................stop and switch shopping bag to other hand.............................turn head to watch swarm of people on your left.........'Is that Clara?, oo yes I think it is'..........stop to examine closer.......'no,it's not Clara'...................right foot.................make comment to companion that walks with you...................left foot.................

THIS. MUST. STOP.

It's people like this that are all that is wrong with the world. It's people like this that make life just that little bit more aggravating. It's people like this that make my blood boil, my head throb and my teeth grind. You know who I mean, I can hear your insides churning too, just at the thought of them...Lord save us from the WILLY-NILLY WALKERS.

I'm talking about those people in today's fast paced society, who feel it appropriate to walk as painfully slowly as possible down busy streets and just get in the way. They clog up the pathways, induce further stress to the dashers around them and worst of all, they are completely oblivious to the mayhem they cause. They need to be removed, cast out of society all together, out of the way.

Stupidly, this weekend while speed shopping around Brent Cross ,i thought I'd find a method to avoid the irritation. I thought I could find away around the aggravating amblers and maintain a cool , clear head. And, like many of my experiments, it failed. Though, to take a drink from the glass half full,  it does provide an entertaining conversational piece at the dinner table.

So I'm rushing. I need to get the earring shop on the other end of the centre within 3 minutes, pay in 2 mins and hit the Boots downstairs before a mad dash, competing against the ticket warden to get to mum's car first. The ticket expires in 12 minutes. The race is on.
So, adrenaline pumping, heart thumping I begin to slide in and out of people and dart up the congested shopping parade.But then no, oh no, there it is. Holding everything up, nonchalantly swaying through the shopping crowds, leaving hoards of consumer traffic and angered shoppers bibbing with their furious eyes.Yes, it was none other than a Willy Nilly Walker.
Time racing, I impulsively decided I was having none of it . It was time to push on, liberate myself and take that stress relieving stride through the crowds and not crumble to the Willy Nilly. Shoulders back, spine straight and eyes fixed on the earring shop- the stride began. I surged through the crowds, feet darting meticulously through the masses, eyes looking at me in awe, marveling at my boldness. Shops blurred as I drilled on, like a spider in a snail's race-boy did it feel good.

It was in fact a little too good to be true. Head in the clouds, all of a sudden my legs hit an obstacle and I was quickly brought out of my daze and back down to the ground. Literally. I tumbled, bags flailing out in all directions, and went head first into a nut stand. The obstacle I'd hit was in  fact a mere toddler who now thought it appropriate to bawl hysterically and point at the crimson faced me, sitting sheepishly in a pool of cashew nuts.

 And do you know what was the worst thing about it all? Not the clear up of nuts off the floor in front of the hundreds of judging eyes or the hefty parking ticket that I ended up presenting to my mum, but it was that while in the process of clearing up my mess I caught a glance of the Willy Nilly Walker who, in the meantime, had made it as far as the earring shop.

The murdering of my alarm clock

 Waking up on a winter morning to the shrill screech of an alarm clock, is soul polluting. Seriously, being dragged out of the warmth of your soft, tranquil, bedded haven, into the reality of a bitterly cold November which lunges at your shivering body with it's icy bite, cannot be made pleasant under any circumstance. Well,this week, a foolish part of me thought otherwise, and I conducted an experiment. It failed. Miserably.

I decided that I was sick to death of that sinking feeling, that viscous poison that seeps  into my mind as soon as I wake. The daunting reality of school, deadlines, and facing unresolved issues of the previous night. Climbing out of my bed(and thus out of the sweet embrace of dreams and plush bedding)and into the day, really is the hardest step. So i thought I'd have a go at making it enjoyable. I figured, if I wake up to things that make me smile, I'll be more willing to start the day. So, I took 3 steps:

1. I wrote down the address of the party I was going to that coming weekend, on a piece of paper in capitals by my bedside.
2. I set my alarm as one of my favorite songs, so I'd feel motivated to get up when  I'd hear it.
3. I Placed a hilarious picture of me and the best friend on the carpet (so I'd have to see it before I got out of the room)


It all sounds peachy, doesn't it?  It was far from it. The outcome was :

1. I woke up furiously confused and knocked the party address paper behind the dresser (which resulted in a mad panicked dash around the house on the night of the party)
2. The sound of the song I so loved, made the bitter, temperamental troll that is me in the mornings, shake with rage. Fatigue and rage, not a good mix under any circumstance, let alone the morning. Let's just say, that song is no longer a favourite and the mp3 device that played it was thrown across the room and destroyed. The sound of it shattering to pieces, now THAT, that was music to my ears.
3. When stumbling to the find a dressing gown in my darkened room, I slipped over on the picture and did considerable damage to my knee cap. Wonderful.

So, I conducted an experiment and it failed. But, on the bright side- I learned something utterly profound. Something that will stay with me for life. Something, invaluable. Just remember the 5 W's:

'WINTER WAKE-UPS FOR WORK WILL ALWAYS BE WRETCHED.'